It is officially the end of April (cue N*sync meme) and it feels like the year started yesterday, time is just flying by us.
Josh and I have very inconsistent schedules while he completes his teaching certification and working full time and I am a full time student while also working full time. It has been tough, and a bit isolating. We wanted to spend our first few months married traveling and taking adventures because we spent the entire last year saving every penny for our wedding. But like most couples, reality sinks in and life goes back to the chaotic normal that it was before you said your vows. It is not disappointing by any means because we are together and with our fur babies but it does take a toll on you when you are trying to do so much but seeing little results in your livelihood. We did venture out of town to NYC for Josh’s birthday and it was so nice to emerge ourselves in the city vibes and not worry about the stresses at home. I think because I am type A with work and school, and very not type A with my personal/social life…the post marriage pressure weighs on me more so than my husband. He is very happy go lucky and laid back, the calm to any storm. I am more so the tornado, actually make that the eye of the tornado. I have bad anxiety and I get nervous when things are not thought out and planned meticulously. This has been making the “newlywed” life pressures difficult for me, I often feel I am alone in my thoughts and feelings about the next step in our lives because I prefer a very well thought out plan versus “winging it.” I am referring to starting a family. I have struggled medically for so long with thoughts that having a family would be the ultimate answered prayer and now that I am at that milestone looking at it in the eye, I am beyond afraid.
A little backstory is for about twelve years (that we know of) I have been living with benign pituitary tumors in my brain and with that I have always struggled in the hormonal department. I was put on birth control in high school to get my reproductive system kick started and it has been 100% reliant on birth control for over twelve years. This has been emotionally destructive to me for years because I always feared “will I be able to have children one day?” There is a pressure when you get married to have children and many do not know how many women struggle or have something wrong with them so when people constantly ask “when are you guys going to have kids?” , it is not easy for everyone to hear that. I am one of those women. I started seeing an OBGYN last month (for the first time in my life….crazy) and I went off my birth control in august of 2018… not because I wanted to have children right away, but because my body was finally telling me enough is enough. I was experiencing cystic acne for the first time in my life, they tried different formulas and nothing would budge. When I went off the birth control, I instantly felt better. My skin cleared up within weeks, my mood felt right, and I felt like myself for the first time in over a decade. Come April 2019, I still am experiencing minor issues that my general care doctors have always just put the birth control band-aid on to cover up the underlying issue. Last month I had many tests done and for the first time in my adult life, my hormones were where they are supposed to be and i’m showing normal levels but still some lingering problems. I should be so excited about this, which I know I will be one day but I still do not feel 100% ready to be a mom. I feel guilty for feeling this way. Why do we as a society have so much pressure on marriage and kids? Timelines and egg freezing? I feel like Josh and I’s lives need to be more consistent and stable financially for us to bring a little human into the world and raise them right. Am I selfish for wanting to travel still? Am I selfish for wanting more time? Am I wrong to want to buy a bigger house first? When I look in the eyes of my husband, I see the father of my kids and raising a beautiful family together but the stress and pressure of our jobs and schooling just weigh so heavily on that future. I prayed to see those days, the day I got married, the day I become a mom, the day my parents become grandparents. I prayed for it all, so why does it feel like a guilty and negative pressure to have?
As we have been having very minor open ended “start a family” conversations here and there, we also talk about bringing in another fur baby. We drove all the way to the Pasadena animal shelter in February in hopes to take an owner surrender off the kill list but Oakley was not having it. We then realized we need to get them in training and socialization classes so we can rescue again. Franklin and Oakley just completed their first training session that was six weeks long, and they graduated and move on to intermediate training this week. They have come a long way but still only listen when there are treats involved so we have a lot of work left to do with them.
Aside from starting clinics, exams, and work…that is the latest and greatest with us. I have many blogs coming out the next few weeks. More to come on my recent skin care routine that has completely transformed my hormonal challenged skin, our NYC travel, and how to handle long distance relationships/dating an athlete.
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